The reality behind pitying my children

 

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I’ve been pitying my children.

Its bothered me for a while, because frequently I’ve been quite sure there wasn’t a logical reason to be pitying them at the time. But I did anyway and it drove my behaviour towards them, to cuddle and interact, because I felt sorry for them. I felt like I was neglecting or abandoning them in some way.

I’m writing this post because at the time of writing, I was laying beside my 5 month old, and he was watching a teddy I was holding in my hand. Suddenly I felt this strong urge to interact with him, the sense that I should be doing something more, he was just laying there by himself… alone…

Jumping to conclusions much!

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I had to force myself to ignore what I’d just thought and describe what I was actually seeing. He was; quiet, calm, comfortable and observant. He wasn’t; crying, whinging or fidgeting. I concluded, that he must in fact be quite content.

Huh! So why on earth did I jump to the first conclusion?

It’s rooted in my childhood of course, which I’ve been delving into more since discovering my attachment type.

I still don’t understand it fully, so I’m just honest with myself about what I’m really thinking and feeling, and I’ve been able to piece a lot of the picture together.

The simple answer, as to why I jumped to that first conclusion, is because I think that’s what I need to do in order for my children to feel secure and loved. Because that’s how I feel secure and loved, ugghh.

Indeed my children will feel secure and loved when I behave that way, but the bit I missed was that there was no need to. I’ve been creating that need in them by behaving that way, and without change it will become the only way they feel secure and loved. I can see it quite clearly now, and how I make that need stronger each time I repeat my behaviour.

Bollocks. Now who’s hijacking a childhood?

Me. Feckin me.

That wasn’t my intention of course, my goal in fact was the exact opposite. Which is both laughable and highly irritating!

The urges to behave this way, to swoop in and rescue when no one needs rescuing, are quite strong and feel positively natural. Easily passed off as a mothers instinct. In fact, I suppose ultimately, I was trying to make them feel secure and loved, so that I felt secure and loved. If they’re happy then I can be happy and feel reassured that I’m getting this parenting lark right.

I can see that this habit might be a tougher one to change.

I’ve got to be self aware enough to catch myself thinking this way before I act on it, strong enough to actually stop myself from acting, then I’ve got to resolve the conflicting feelings that’s going to leave me with because it’s going to feel wrong, until I’ve done it enough to retrain my brain to stop doing it (hopefully) altogether.

Another challenge! This one will be interesting, for me and my boys, because they will have to go through an uncomfortable transition period whilst I learn to change my responses, which I imagine they will protest at initially. But it’s just short term pain, to get to the other side. This is my boys’ future, and they are more than worth the effort.

How wonderful would it be, if all these changes will mean my boys could grow up so secure, that they’d never believe it had ever been any different?

The thought makes me all teary eyed, and quite joyful. I’m gonna go get my boys that future.

*blub*

2 comments

  1. Oh *blub* right back with you!!!!!! That’s sooooooo lovely. Firstly your boys will grow up knowing only secure because you’ve never given them reason to feel anything else!! Google this “the good enough mother” I think it’s by winnicott. I know you are like me with the reading so that might help you. All your babies need to be secure is you there, emotionally and physically. Not being emotionally cold and not abandoning them!

    Secondly, that’s not irritating AT ALL!!! You just love so much, just like me!! I was told I was codependent (Google that too!) and that’s why we can be like that! Again, all common things that we can become aware of and change if we wish to.

    You’re doing amazing and your babies are lucky boys! Xxx

    Like

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