This isn’t the typical grieving scenario. It almost feels a bit fraudulent, because no one has died. But grieving is over the loss of something or someone, not always through death.
You see, I’ve been waiting for my dream Dad, to appear like a hero out of a comic book. My first knight in shining armour for Daddy’s little princess. I thought it was just a matter of time before he would break free from the chains that hold him back from being in my life.
Alas, no. He is not going to come.
He is very much alive, he is physically able to get to me. But he is not going to come.
I don’t know whats worse – losing a good father through death, living with the pain each day of losing someone so precious and not knowing how to live the rest of your days without them. Or to have a father who you know is alive and well, but makes a choice to deny you that love every single day. To wake up every morning and know, you’re not worth that persons active and unconditional love.
It is very painful, and its been very damaging to my feeling of self worth. Whilst also being unnecessary, and undeserved.
Therapy has helped me see the situation clearly. I have had expectations, wants and needs of a father, my dream Dad. I know now, that my dream Dad does not exist. But for all my 30 years of life I really thought he did. It was a very possible reality for me, to have my happy ending. I suppose I’ve been in a type of denial, though more ignorance through lack of understanding, really.
Now I am at the stage of acceptance, and so I must say goodbye to my dream Dad. I must go through that final stage of the grieving process, so that I can move on with my life without carrying around the daily rejection, because it is so so heavy, and I can’t carry it anymore.
So I’m throwing an imaginary funeral in my mind, to help it make sense. A funeral for my dream Dad, that I have lost.
It would be a beautiful service, the church would be packed and I would take a proud moment to tell everyone about my Daddy…
“My Dad was a great man. You would not know this to pass him in the street, for he looks as normal as you and I. But if you knew him, you’d know his greatness by the size of his heart. My Dad was not a perfect man, for no man is. But my Dad had an admirable integrity for the things that were right and fair, and his love was always free.
My Dad was my safe place, my gentle giant, my protector. When he spent time with me, I felt like I was the only person that mattered in the whole world, for my moment. He loved me through my mistakes and taught me how to love him through his. He celebrated my life’s victories with me, and held me through my trials. He was a place of no judgement. He believed I could achieve anything I set my mind too and encouraged me to chase my dreams.
My heart will forever be left with an empty space where he should be. I don’t know how I will live my days without him.
Thank you, dream Dad. For keeping me together all these years, saving me from the harsh depths of my reality, until I was strong enough, to let you go.”