Grieving for my dream Dad

This isn’t the typical grieving scenario. It almost feels a bit fraudulent, because no one has died. But grieving is over the loss of something or someone, not always through death.

You see, I’ve been waiting for my dream Dad, to appear like a hero out of a comic book. My first knight in shining armour for Daddy’s little princess. I thought it was just a matter of time before he would break free from the chains that hold him back from being in my life.

Alas, no. He is not going to come.

He is very much alive, he is physically able to get to me. But he is not going to come.

I don’t know whats worse – losing a good father through death, living with the pain each day of losing someone so precious and not knowing how to live the rest of your days without them. Or to have a father who you know is alive and well, but makes a choice to deny you that love every single day. To wake up every morning and know, you’re not worth that persons active and unconditional love.

It is very painful, and its been very damaging to my feeling of self worth. Whilst also being unnecessary, and undeserved.

Therapy has helped me see the situation clearly. I have had expectations, wants and needs of a father, my dream Dad. I know now, that my dream Dad does not exist. But for all my 30 years of life I really thought he did. It was a very possible reality for me, to have my happy ending. I suppose I’ve been in a type of denial, though more ignorance through lack of understanding, really.

Now I am at the stage of acceptance, and so I must say goodbye to my dream Dad. I must go through that final stage of the grieving process, so that I can move on with my life without carrying around the daily rejection, because it is so so heavy, and I can’t carry it anymore.

So I’m throwing an imaginary funeral in my mind, to help it make sense. A funeral for my dream Dad, that I have lost.

It would be a beautiful service, the church would be packed and I would take a proud moment to tell everyone about my Daddy…

“My Dad was a great man. You would not know this to pass him in the street, for he looks as normal as you and I. But if you knew him, you’d know his greatness by the size of his heart. My Dad was not a perfect man, for no man is. But my Dad had an admirable integrity for the things that were right and fair, and his love was always free.

My Dad was my safe place, my gentle giant, my protector. When he spent time with me, I felt like I was the only person that mattered in the whole world, for my moment. He loved me through my mistakes and taught me how to love him through his. He celebrated my life’s victories with me, and held me through my trials. He was a place of no judgement. He believed I could achieve anything I set my mind too and encouraged me to chase my dreams.

My heart will forever be left with an empty space where he should be. I don’t know how I will live my days without him.

Thank you, dream Dad. For keeping me together all these years, saving me from the harsh depths of my reality, until I was strong enough, to let you go.”

 

10 comments

  1. “I must go through that final stage of the grieving process, so that I can move on with my life without carrying around the daily rejection, because it is so so heavy, and I can’t carry it anymore.”

    This:

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  2. Oh Hun. I have no words. I could have written every word (though not as eloquently). You are so brace and so strong and clearly steps ahead of me.

    It is truly draining carrying this hope and disappointment and rejection around with me. It’s slowly sucking the happiness from me. I feel stupid for not being able to let go like you’ve done, it looks so freeing x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not steps my lovely, just one step. One really fucking horrible step, that you can only do when it makes sense to you, if it makes sense to you. My hope dried up because I’d exhausted all my options that were in my control, to try and make a relationship for us both. But nothing worked, because this is down to his choice, not mine. I get that now. The rest is in his court, so I was sort of left with acceptance or denial once I came to that realisation, but no more hope.

      Im confident this will be positive for me in the long run, and I do feel a freedom being where I’m at now, but my heart is heavy with sadness at the same time xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jeez I bet it is bloody heavy but it will pass and I think you will feel the lightness after the pain. I really mean that. You’ve been so strong to get here.

        I don’t know how I can spend my life in hope, I too have exhausted every option and my father just cannot do it, he truly can’t do it. His excuse every single time is “time goes so fast”. It makes me want to hit him when he sends that to me via text after months and months of silence. Why don’t I let go of the hope? What will it take? It’s ridiculous. I want to let go… I really do x

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you.
        I can only imagine it’s because you think there is still some hope, and that’s OK! I had a middle ground for a while where I tried to be happy with what he would give me without me dragging it from him, that was my first type of acceptance. Accept him for who he is and stop having higher expectations. But that didn’t work for long, because having him in my life in such scarce amounts made me feel even more worthless for mentally agreeing to that. If you offer me £5 for a £20 note, I wouldn’t take it in a million years, because I know the worth of the £20 note. Accepting less from him, was like saying I was only worth that £5 😞 xx

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  3. Damn Lauren that brought a tear to my eye and Im an essex wideboy! When I adopted Charley and Aarran I did allot of reading on the attachment issues children have when they are separated from their Mothers and fathers, especially at an early age. The sense of loss is quite acute and can be very challenging to overcome. For what its worth I think that your a one of a kind human being and to not know you would be a huge loss to anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol Pricey 😊
      It is very intense, I think people in my Dad’s position don’t seem to realise that their absence can be just as damaging as the presence of an abusive Father. Ends up in a broken child either way that becomes a broken adult. Thank you so much for your kind words xxxx

      Like

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